My Favorite Things

I like to watch squirrels slide on ice.

E-Predators Beware

When I first signed up for MySpace, I had two friends, my Wife and Tom. I started getting these things saying, "One of your friends has a crush on you." I thought, how cute. My wife hasn't felt that way in quite some time. Perhaps I could rekindle the old flames and get a little action going. I started courting her again.

{The dictionary defines courting as--
1): To try to gain the love or affections of, especially to seek to marry.
2): To attempt to gain the favor of by attention or flattery
3): Zoology- To behave so as to attract (a mate).}

I am already married so I thought I could use the second one to get to the third one. Oh yeah. I could use a little "Mating" action.

My wife enjoyed the extra attention and E-flirting to a degree, but when asked about the "Crush" she did not fess up. At first I thought she was being shy. Then I accused her of being Coy. I found myself frustrated.

Then it dawned on me.... I have heard of things like this at work. Around the break table I have overheard some of the "hourly employees", as I eavesdrop on them to find out about "employee morale", talking about Jerry Springer and "Oh girl, my cousins babies daddy had that happen to his girlfriends nephew, you know, the one that lives upstairs from the beauty parlor." I didn't know what to do. It had to be this Tom person. He seemed to know a lot about technical stuff... He was a sexual E-predator!

At first I was afraid to Google the subject. I was sure that Tom had placed some sort of "Spyware" on my laptop. Oh my god. Did he have control of my built in Web Cam? I had to do something. I logged onto the "guest account" on my computer. I figured that might throw him off long enough for me to do a Google search.

What I found on my 3rd search, both astounded and frightened me. People had been deleted. This Tom was more powerful than I thought. I went back to my old activist days. Make a lot of noise, they cant hit you while your in the spotlight. Get a Grass roots action going! That proved to be much harder then it was back in my "Hippie Daze". All people seemed to be worrying about at the time was, "Taking it to a higher level". "A change in America", and some "Maverick" and that lady from SNL running for Vice President because she saw "Russians in her back yard."

Everyone was occupied with this whole hoopla. Even some plumber named Joe. I thought all plumbers were worried about was where to find their next bottle. Even they were sucked into this whole cult like election phenomenon. What about me? The people?

I would get no help from regular society.

I had to go "Underground" for help. I had to go to the nerds. One told me that Tom was a level 32 Grand Mage and I would need an army of Orcs with at least a level 17 thief and a .......I had to end the chat on this one.

The next one told me the force was too strong with Tom, and my Jedi mind tricks would not work. Damn. (How did he know about my Jedi mind trick anyways?).

Finally I found a true computer hackers site online, with all sorts of codes like HTML and XML and .......CSS. I found the code to "Remove" Tom from my friends. Yeah Baby. TAKE THAT! How do you like that one "Sunny Jim"?

I was safe. I could once again surf in peace.

Oh, I still get the occasional message saying one of my friends has a crush on me. Its probably just one of the Band members in "The Livers". You know how those musicians can be. I won't click into the message cause I don't want my wife to find out. But I secretly smile and I am flattered to know, one of my friends has a crush on me.

Bonnets 'n Boots

Bonnets 'n Boots was a cute little girl. She liked her bonnets, and she loved her boots. She had the dickens in her eyes. If you were wise enough, one look at her would tell you all that you needed to know about mischief. She could play the part of the little lady, but she was a wild child.

One day she went out to see what the boys were doing. At first they were watching ants. Then they started rough housing. She studied them all the while.

After a time, the boys got boastful and started trying to one up each other. Bonnets 'n Boots walked in a direction that took her close to them, and said out loud, to no one in particular, "If a boy was to know anything, you think he would know about fishin’. I don’t think any of the boys around here would know fishin’ from a frogs bottom." This got their attention.

‘Whatta you know bout fishin’?” said one of them.

Bonnets 'n Boots responded with an innocent smile beaming from her face, “Well which one a you all is the best at it?”

This started quite the commotion. She let their tempest come to a crescendo before interjecting. "Well I do believe we have the makings of a good competition. Lest of course you all’s bark is bigger than your bite."

This sent the boys scrambling home for their fishing gear, after which they reconvened at the pond. The boys put on quite the show of tying their hooks on, and baiting, and which lures they would use. One said, "I always use my pa’s homemade flies." Another boy said “Whaddyamean? You still use your daddy’s flies? I make my own." And so it went.

Before long some fish were caught and they all brought their fish to Little Miss Bonnets 'n Boots to keep the tally. Eventually there was a winner, and she played him up as quite the hero. Then she laid on a deeper layer of toying with them, and said, “Fishing is fine, but any boy worth more than his shirt would know about catchin' frogs." This gave hope for the losers of the fishing competition to save face and of course as it goes with boys, the winner was afraid of losing the spotlight so short lived and was one of the first to start searching for frogs.

They all left in a cloud of hustle and noise, leaving Little Miss Bonnets 'n Boots with a whole string of fish. She hummed to herself as she carried them home.